if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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