I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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