New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
