he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
