I think I died a long time ago.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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