I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
