we made out on top of his cat.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
