hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
