I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
