Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
