I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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