I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
