And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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