I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
