I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she told me i tasted like america
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
