I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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