also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
