help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
