I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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