If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
