The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
