I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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