did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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