I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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