Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
