I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
