i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
