I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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