ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
