you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
