I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i believe in u and ur pee
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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