I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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