mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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