I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
