Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
