Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
