True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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