how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
