ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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