So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
