3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
