The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dating After Heartbreak
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.