you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
