Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
