There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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