in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
