it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
