Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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