By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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