well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
