you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
