i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
