my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
