he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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