If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
