I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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