she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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